My child has been bullied, what do I say to her?

A mother of a kindergarten student (aged 4).

I don't know what to say to my daughter, Angie. 

Angie's close friend left the school and she would like to play with another group of girls. They say they don't want to play with her, "your lunch is smelly". They are the cool girls, the ones with bows in their hair, the girly girls, the ones everyone wants to be with, the ones who are mean to others to feel special and exclusive. Yes, even in kindergarten there are cliques!

Do I say to Angie, "it's Ok you will find other friends" and help her be more accepting that she is likely to be on the fringes of groups, like me, because she doesn't quite fit the mould? Or do I help her to change the situation? And how?

When I talked to my mothers group they shared similar dilemmas they have with their kids, but we didn't get to thinking about solutions. It brought up for all of us our own school histories of bullying or exclusion. All of us had a story to tell. It seemed to me our own experiences were shaping how we were interpreting what was happening for our kids. 

Was I projecting on my daughter my own experience at school of not quite belonging? Was the "explanation" I was giving Angie  in dealing with difficult relationships - resign yourself, avoid them - coming from my mature wise self or rather the hurt excluded child of my own school years? Was I about to perpetuate a strategy that might help to survive, but perhaps not to thrive? 

The mothers of the "cool" girls are lovely - not "cool" themselves.  I arranged a play date for Angie with one of the girls and they seemed like fast friends. but as soon as it is in the school situation the group dynamic comes into play and they are still excluding her and using put-downs. Although I would like Angie to be included, I would not like to see her using put-downs to others as part of her membership of a group. 

I realise now that this issue is bigger than me and what I can do. How could the school community assist in helping these children build positive healthy relationships and group culture? Can we break cycles of bullying and exclusion?

As she grows up I would like my daughter to feel accepted, a sense of belonging and confidence. I would also like her to develop skills to navigate complex relationship and group dynamics with mindfulness and integrity. And then I wonder, to what extent should I be trying to intervene and make things right versus supporting her to learn from the dilemmas that she faces? What does that look like in a whole school community context?

What do you think are the issues here?
What might be an approach that takes into account the values expressed here?

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